Adventures, anew
Sunday January 30th 2011, 12:01 pm
Filed under: departure,friends,leaving,seasonal Tags:

Another goodbye. To a friend, long-known but really only a true, close friend in the last few years since I moved back to this ridiculous, preposterous city of my birth. He’s off, to Japan, for adventures. For a new life. For an uncertain future. With admirable courage, he looked around his life, after the death of his father and the ending of a long relationship, and said ‘Fuck this. There is better to be had, more to be done’. And thus, a ticket to Tokyo, the outlines of a dozen plans, any of which (or, none, but I’m rooting for any) can make it all work, set the stage for the next stage. Another friend, his friend, my friend, the friend who was annoyed he had two friends who clearly should be friends but weren’t friends, he, too, has adventures up next. Money saved, longtime job left. Mountains to climb here, mountains to climb there, and then a planned motorcycle trip across continents, South America, maybe Africa, maybe Europe. An almost unimaginably vast adventure, where everything is always ahead, and even looking back is a looking forward, to the next thing encountered. Adventure as facing not only the unknown or unexpected or unexperienced, but as the freshness brought to that forward-looking state. And friends looking for work, one to fly east for an interview next weekend at a small liberal arts college, the other returning to the UK to finish, finally, his grad work, having overcome insane medical adversity to get there. And I? Are all my adventures past? Found a job, found love, found the yuppie track and have several olive oils and several more vinegars in a cupboard somewhere. “I want to live where I can buy duck”, someone said to me a few weeks ago. I guess I do, even if it’s never occurred to me to buy duck, nor to measure the civilization-quotient of my residence by its availability. What’s next? The clock ticks, the answers will arrive sometime in the next 18 months ago, but the answer isn’t to the ultimate question, “Should I stay or should I go now”, but rather, “You can stay or you can go now”. Certainty of choice, not of solution. And would I be happier if the choice was taken from me, adventure thrust upon me? And would I be happier if, given the choice, I chose the road never taken: thanks for the life/style and the vote of confidence, I’m off? And is it about ‘happier’? Is that what matters most, of the choices on the table? Do I still care about what it al means? Whatevs. Long ago, I wrote a farewell to a friend who went to Zimbabwe on these pages, tears in my eyes and doubt and grief in my fingers as my own uncertain future lagged a little behind his. 6+ years on, I know that thousands of miles don’t fuck with these friendships, that run ever so much deeper than distance or time. But, you will be missed, Japan-bound friend. You will be much missed, but you have made the right choice: the sky is higher, there, the horizons clearer, brighter, more meaningful. For once, the weather here matches my mood, the sound of rain on a roof and clattering down a poorly-cleared gutter. You will be missed, but you remind the rest of us that stasis isn’t the only choice.

On the one thousandth playing of Metheny’s Map of the World
Friday January 14th 2011, 9:47 am
Filed under: calendars,damn,HelLA,self-indulgent,sober,whingeing,Work Tags:

1000 since I moved to HelLA, that is, some 4 1/2 years ago. And what I really feel is not much of anything. Tired. Need more coffee. And need to get out of this, out of here. Sucking it up to get through the almost despair-inducing silence while I wait for word, while I wait for words that will performatively seal my words in the ten point type of public voice for public consumption, rather than the weirdly hybrid project here. And while i wait there is no simple waiting, but the mad and manic drive go produce still more public words, even while wondering how long the silence will run, how much it can erode what seems to be a much more fragile confidence (arrogance) than I’ve realized for a while.

And this town. Another balmy day in winter, the comfort of the sun at odds with the dark and bleak of my world, the welcoming climes in contrast to my sense that living is a battle with a hostile because indifferent world. And, the joy of a dog who, because a dog, is rapturously happy to greet the day with a squeak toy and me. Time to move on. 1000 mornings in three apartments, but only one town. Come august, I’ll have lived here as long as i lived in Berkeley, as long as I lived in the UK. And that, i reject. Soon it’s time to add years to a different place, to live life on a different clock. This one wears me down.

I want
Saturday January 08th 2011, 10:59 pm
Filed under: magic,Miscellaneous, Truly Tags:

I want more magic in my life. I may have to chase it.

2 hours later. “I remember that night better than I remember entire years.”. Maybe I, too, put things in boxes. Maybe I could see them because I have so many myself.

1 hour later. I ran the race against all and sundry, and against myself, and i left most of them and most of me in the dust. But it’s still off to the races, even if I’ve chosen poorly sometimes.