what i do
Saturday July 11th 2009, 1:45 am
Filed under: HelLA,holidays,Miscellaneous, Truly,seasonal,self-indulgent,tempest in a teapot Tags:

What I do will never be as obvious as what is done on a footie pitch.  You’ll never watch me on stage, even surrounded by other talented musicians, but playing with that little bit extra, that lick, that chord, that look that pulls a crowd in and doesn’t need explaining as to what you’ve just done.  I’ll never walk out of a library and be able to explain that I just read the hell out of a manuscript, or come out of the classroom or lecture hall with a pump of the fist or primal roar of triumph or victory, cuz it just don’t work that way.  And it would be a bit embarrassing, in the latter cases, at least, cuz nominally it’s about them, the students that is, and not about me.  I never liked team sports, and in hindsight I wonder if that’s because 1) other people tended to be better at them than I was, and 2) other people tended to be worse at them than I was.  Back to the middle ground, the too lame to be cool, too cool to be lame, too mediocre to be a jock, too good to be a nerd.  Stuck in the middle with a you I didn’t know or have, as it were.  Individual sports, though, and individual pursuits, at least when I lost there were no excuses, no compromises, and no blame to distribute beyond myself.  So, too, what I do, but the contest is slow and complicated, the game of reputation and advancement takes place on many fronts, and much of the time has very little to do with what I do and everything to do with what other people think it is I’m doing or have done.  Which is far more difficult to control than appearances, say, where a nose ring and a bunch of earrings, long hair and a leather jacket, a motorcycle a marlboro red and a cup of black coffee pretty much hold down one end of a very particular spectrum.  But that’s what I do, now, I guess, and it’s both enough and not.  Which is always the case.  I’ll never be satisfied; I know this about myself.  The key is to use that gap, that empty, for good.  Or at least to move forward.